[A flash of shock passes over Oikawa's face before he's pulling it into a smile - which only goes to prove Yamaguchi's point. He laces his fingers together, no reason to his hands just sit there if Yamaguchi doesn't want to touch him.]
I'm not sure what you mean, Yama-chan.
[He does of course, it's the number one thing that drives people away from him. He wasn't sure whether Yamaguchi bought into how he pretends he is or whether he was okay with what he could see of how Oikawa actually is and who he pretends to be, but this is probably going to answer that.]
[Yamaguchi flinches at the words, stung. That Oikawa's still pretending nothing's the matter about this, or that—that he isn't pretending, or worse; that he is and he's only doing it because he thinks he has to–
(Not because he wants to. Not because he likes it. Or because he's cruel. Yamaguchi's upset, but not that upset; enough to reach the worst conclusion about someone he still likes so, so much. And who likes him back…)]
W-Why?! Why do you act like you're not upset, when you really are? Ever since before we started dating…!
[Words to combat Yamaguchi's first statement die on Oikawa's tongue as he finishes talking.
Of all the things to say. If he wanted Oikawa's defences down, that is the worst way to try and do it.
But, a nagging thought says in the back of his mind, does he really give Yamaguchi that much credit? Does he believe he's capable of coming up with a plan to get to Oikawa's heart?
Oikawa's smile twitches and freezes in place. He's not letting it fall down now. He likes how earnest Yamaguchi is, how he says what he's thinking, except, apparently, he hasn't been all the time.]
You think I've been running away, Yama-chan? [He's awful. His voice sounds sick and hollow to his own ears, particularly that false little nickname.] You should have told me sooner - I can't do much about a problem I don't know about - but I think, perhaps, you think you're scarier than you are. Why would I run away from someone like you, when I chose to date you?
[Yamaguchi's eyes widen. The last traces of anger on his face finally disappear, giving away to bewilderment and the beginnings of genuine fear. Of what, he's not sure yet, but that tone in Oikawa's voice is making Yamaguchi's skin crawl. And the other boy's eyes have a cold, unfamiliar glint when he looks at Yamaguchi; the expression he sees in them is impossibly hard.]
Aghh…wh…what? [Yamaguchi's voice is far thinner in his own ears than he would like, hardly even a croak. But he's never seen his boyfriend like this. Part of Yamaguchi knew, deep down, there was more to Oikawa than all his flattering words and gentle touches, but this is terrifyingly colder up close. More than anything the setter showed to him on the volleyball court.] …Th-That's…not what I…
[Oikawa sighs and shakes his head, smile shrinking but not disappearing, and staying as fake as when it appeared.] Of course, it's not what you meant. But I think you know what you were implying and I think I do as well.
[He breaks his gaze away from Yamaguchi, looks at the idle motion of the characters on the TV.]
You know, nothing I do is real. [He laughs.
This is a bad idea.
He needs to stop.]
I don't own up to anything. Generally, I try not to be myself if I want people to like me. And I really wanted you to like me, how else would I prove Iwaizumi wrong when he said I couldn't have a decent relationship?
[Yamaguchi—blinks. Stares. For a moment, there's only honest confusion on his face, as he gives Oikawa a look of total incomprehension.]
You…wha?? …Um…
…Iwaizumi-san? [That's the part that immediately sticks out when he hears it. Yamaguchi doesn't think he's ever heard Oikawa call Iwaizumi anything except for 'Iwa-chan–']
[He's gone so far past the line he doesn't know where he is any more.
And he almost feels like, well, going back isn't worth it. He can only go further in. He's almost cheerful as he continues.] I do like you, you know. But it was really easy, I couldn't believe it! I was so happy that you actually liked me, it's always better to spend time with people who like you, ah - even though you were buying into my act and everything - it's still nice.
And you have a cute laugh, Yama-chan. [He needs to stop. He shakes his head and his mouth continues without the part of his brain that's talking sense.] Nothing at all like Iwaizumi's.
It's for the best that you're not like him, you know, it's easier that way, I think. [He muses pointedly on the thought. Inside he's not so cold but he just, can't make it show, it would be worse now if he did anyway. He let Yamaguchi know that the way their relationship started was because Iwaizumi refused to date him without a proper relationship under his belt - last night springs up in his mind, Yamaguchi had seemed so happy to be touched - he locks his fingers together more firmly and waits, to let his words sink in.]
[Yamaguchi doesn't know what to feel, listening to this. There's a sensation in his chest like he's been almost gutted somehow—hollow inside, a feeling of something torn out where maybe betrayal or anger should be. Whatever it is seems to be keeping the pain from hearing all this at bay, or maybe it's just that the hurt is so intense he can't even process it anymore like the static that's replacing the tail end of Oikawa's words.
Oikawa wasn't dating him because he wanted Yamaguchi. That's the reality of it. It was all…just short of a lie, all an act, a presentation to impress someone else. To prove a point. Yamaguchi's not going to cry over it, he decides, even though the trembling in his hands and his eyes burning tell him otherwise. I'm not going to cry. It's the only coherent thought he can string together, beneath the crushing weight of the should have knowns and that makes more senses and was probably lucky even to get this chance at alls.]
G…Got it. R-Right. [Damn it, it's not the end of the world; at least Oikawa did say he likes him and Yamaguchi's relieved now to know where he stands and he's not going to goddamn cry–] …I—I'm really…
Oikawa frowns, leans a little closer. He expected yelling, swearing, perhaps a punch. But... Yamaguchi sounds like he's trying to apologise.
Everything he's just said hits him all at once - he's awful, he's the worst and Yamaguchi should be furious, surely, surely - and his voice catches in his throat. He swallows before he forces it out again.] Don't say you're sorry, Yama-chan.
[Can he leave it at that? Can he let himself stop saying these things?] Taking responsibility for things that aren't your fault won't change them. [Of course he can't.
He reaches out to brush his fingers against Yamaguchi's knee, the part of him that's still screaming for him to stop doing this is relieved he didn't lean in for a kiss which goes so show there are a few things he could be doing to make this worse.]
[Yamaguchi stiffens a bit and automatically looks at Oikawa at the touch on his leg. He regrets it instantly when he realizes when it's so much harder to keep his glassy eyes open that way, the only thing keeping back the pathetic tears that are threatening to spill over. ‘Taking responsibility for things that aren't your fault won't change them’ he repeats numbly in his own mind–that's all it takes, in the end, to pierce through the uncertain lack of feeling that's tamped down Yamaguchi's total, despairing disappointment and kept it under wraps for the past minute and a half.]
Ye… [He feels himself nodding mechanically in response to Oikawa's statement, hardly aware of the sounds his own mouth's trying to make.] …Khgn. S-S'alright.
[He takes his hand back, as much as he wants to keep it there, to take some small comfort from Yamaguchi, he's done a terrible thing, he can't allow himself that.]
What's alright, Yamaguchi? [His mouth finally caught up with the message that this isn't a conversation where he should be joking around. This isn't a conversation he should be having at all. It dawns on him that he's going to miss Yamaguchi, once he comes to his senses and gets out of here.]
I definitely…should have seen…y-you didn't really want to date me seriously. Becoming someone else…I mean, you sh-shouldn't have to do that, just because I'm…a coward, and I really wanted you to like me…!
[Crap. He wasn't going to cry. He feels like he wasted his chance, just like missing another serve, being forced to get back off the court. He didn't cry then, but there's no game and nothing else to distract his attention this time from the regret he feels. It's only natural that Oikawa was really looking for something else when he came to him, isn't it? Yamaguchi could have seen it sooner if he'd been willing to recognize the other boy was holding back. And then they wouldn't have wasted so much time, and maybe…]
[What, that's...] I do like you. [He said that, didn't he? He's sure he did.
Please don't cry. He's selfish and awful but Yamaguchi can't cry. He's not allowed to cry.] You're not a coward at all. [Yamaguchi is the bravest person he knows, he's not even crying. He's still sitting there.
He'd never asked anyone out, before Yamaguchi, but he's broken hearts before. Just never quite like this. Usually it's the girls who confessed to him realising for themselves that he's not what they want or what they like, that they'd be better off with someone with a heart. And today is just proving that Oikawa doesn't have a heart, if he could do this to Yamaguchi.] You're really brave, Yamaguchi. [His voice is barely louder than a whisper.]
[Too late on the 'no-crying' rule, whoops. Unable to hold it in anymore, Yamaguchi sobs, and buries his face in his hands in mortification so Oikawa won't see his tears. It doesn't hide the way his frame shudders with every breath, and he hates himself for the pathetic display of weakness. His voice is choked and awful with sadness.]
A-All this time, I…I sh-should've known! It's so obvious, or it should've been. It's only figuring out what makes sense, and yet…
I didn't let myself think…or want to ask, even… [He sobs again, raw gasps tearing from his throat.] Y-You like me, yes. But I'm not…
[It's starting to hit him just how badly he's fucked up here, he's a monster, he doesn't deserve to have Yamaguchi anywhere near him. He made him cry. And it hurts to see him cry, he's baffled at that, he doesn't usually hurt when he sees other people upset, usually he just sets to fixing it. Maybe it's because he knows he can't fix this.
He pulls his lip between his teeth and worries it, given how bad Yamaguchi can be about hearing what he's saying and not what he assumes while dry-eyed, Oikawa assumes that right now he won't hear a word he says, so he shuffles closer to position himself so he can try and pull Yamaguchi into a hug, instead.
He feels hollow and like crying himself. What kind of a person does this?]
[Yamaguchi doesn't even question it. With a miserable sob, he launches himself desperately into Oikawa's arms and buries his face in the older boy's shoulder, eyes leaking onto the shirt his boyfriend slept in.]
I'm s-so sorry. I– [he gasps, choking on air to even get the words out] –I'll s-stop! Promise, I…I'm really sorry! Cah, c-r-rap, I'm being such a baby…
[Yamaguchi can't stand being seen like this. Memories of being in fifth grade and helpless swim before his eyes, stomach lurching at the reminder of when everyone knew just how pathetic he was. That only makes him cry harder.]
…D-Dunno…wh-what I'm even crying for, hahn…s'okay. I still… […like Oikawa. So much that it's like a disease, enough that Yamaguchi wouldn't think twice to stay with him even knowing what he's heard, if the other boy actually gave him the option. Yamaguchi's used to being a last resort, in volleyball and everything else; it's awful, but he'll take it, he'll do whatever it takes to be considered.]
Shhhh, shush shush shush- [Oikawa wraps his arms around Yamaguchi, fighting to keep his heart rate down, he tilts his head to brush his lips against whatever the closest part of Yamaguchi is and whispers calming noises because... he's fucked up. He's fucked up so badly. There's never been a time when he's fucked up in a way where he's impacted someone else like this.
He moves his hands in small circles over Yamaguchi's back and he can feel his blood pounding in his ears when Yamaguchi's words sink in properly-] You still what? [His voice is dry but his eyes are prickling like Yamaguchi's tears are contagious.] You can say anything you want to, Yamaguchi.
You're kissing m-me… [The words come out as more a mumble than anything. Yamaguchi's not really listening to Oikawa at this point, too busy drinking in sick comfort in the touches of the other boy's hands on his back, his lips.] Um…Oikawa, even though I— …I-I'm not I-Iwaizumi-san…please. I still want…
[Oh god. Oikawa squeezes him tight, Yamaguchi should be yelling - shouldn't he? - that's what people do when they find out he's been lying to them. He kisses Yamaguchi more firmly where his neck curves into the freckles on his back.]
You can have whatever you want. [He shouldn't promise what he can't give, because he's not sure he can act like a real person with Yamaguchi after this, but if he can try, well, he will. He's good at trying even if he's better at fucking up.]
[Yamaguchi's breath hitches into a high, whimpering noise that's choked off in surprise until he swallows again, recomposes himself. There's no question of what he's going to ask for: if Oikawa's giving him another chance, even if it's out of pity, or just to keep up appearances for Iwaizumi's sake, Yamaguchi doesn't intend to waste it. He's not going to give up, even if he doesn't stand a chance against someone that's good enough for Oikawa to love with all his heart.]
Oikawa…these past couple of months have been…great. R-Really amazing. And I know you said– [his voice catches, and he swallows again with force to stop it] –ah, you only asked me out for another reason, but…th-that's all right, I mean, if you like me at least enough to go out with me. For now? I-I really like you a lot. But, I understand how you feel, so…
Even if it's just for a few more months. Or a few weeks, please, Oikawa. I want to keep seeing you—I want to be your boyfriend.
[Oikawa's stomach twists and it feels like it's tying itself in a knot the size of a volleyball inside his abdomen.]
Are you sure, Yama-chan? [He's quiet and concerned as he speaks, he can't mean that, he can't possibly still want to date him.] I'm - [the worst kind of person] not a good boyfriend.
[He shouldn't let him do this. He picks up rubbing Yamaguchi's back again, though he shouldn't, anything that makes Yamaguchi more likely to think well of him - though how can he? - isn't something he should be doing.]
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tsukkinice) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
heleanor2015-04-02 06:59 am
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I'm not sure what you mean, Yama-chan.
[He does of course, it's the number one thing that drives people away from him. He wasn't sure whether Yamaguchi bought into how he pretends he is or whether he was okay with what he could see of how Oikawa actually is and who he pretends to be, but this is probably going to answer that.]
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(Not because he wants to. Not because he likes it. Or because he's cruel. Yamaguchi's upset, but not that upset; enough to reach the worst conclusion about someone he still likes so, so much. And who likes him back…)]
W-Why?! Why do you act like you're not upset, when you really are? Ever since before we started dating…!
Why are you running away!!
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Of all the things to say. If he wanted Oikawa's defences down, that is the worst way to try and do it.
But, a nagging thought says in the back of his mind, does he really give Yamaguchi that much credit? Does he believe he's capable of coming up with a plan to get to Oikawa's heart?
Oikawa's smile twitches and freezes in place. He's not letting it fall down now. He likes how earnest Yamaguchi is, how he says what he's thinking, except, apparently, he hasn't been all the time.]
You think I've been running away, Yama-chan? [He's awful. His voice sounds sick and hollow to his own ears, particularly that false little nickname.] You should have told me sooner - I can't do much about a problem I don't know about - but I think, perhaps, you think you're scarier than you are. Why would I run away from someone like you, when I chose to date you?
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Aghh…wh…what? [Yamaguchi's voice is far thinner in his own ears than he would like, hardly even a croak. But he's never seen his boyfriend like this. Part of Yamaguchi knew, deep down, there was more to Oikawa than all his flattering words and gentle touches, but this is terrifyingly colder up close. More than anything the setter showed to him on the volleyball court.] …Th-That's…not what I…
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[He breaks his gaze away from Yamaguchi, looks at the idle motion of the characters on the TV.]
You know, nothing I do is real. [He laughs.
This is a bad idea.
He needs to stop.]
I don't own up to anything. Generally, I try not to be myself if I want people to like me. And I really wanted you to like me, how else would I prove Iwaizumi wrong when he said I couldn't have a decent relationship?
[1/4]
You…wha?? …Um…
…Iwaizumi-san? [That's the part that immediately sticks out when he hears it. Yamaguchi doesn't think he's ever heard Oikawa call Iwaizumi anything except for 'Iwa-chan–']
[2/4]
‘–if I want people to like me–’]
[3/4]
[ ‘–how else would I prove to–’ ]
[4/4]
–that…oh. Yeah—he. Yamaguchi–
…he should have
…he.]
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And he almost feels like, well, going back isn't worth it. He can only go further in. He's almost cheerful as he continues.] I do like you, you know. But it was really easy, I couldn't believe it! I was so happy that you actually liked me, it's always better to spend time with people who like you, ah - even though you were buying into my act and everything - it's still nice.
And you have a cute laugh, Yama-chan. [He needs to stop. He shakes his head and his mouth continues without the part of his brain that's talking sense.] Nothing at all like Iwaizumi's.
It's for the best that you're not like him, you know, it's easier that way, I think. [He muses pointedly on the thought. Inside he's not so cold but he just, can't make it show, it would be worse now if he did anyway. He let Yamaguchi know that the way their relationship started was because Iwaizumi refused to date him without a proper relationship under his belt - last night springs up in his mind, Yamaguchi had seemed so happy to be touched - he locks his fingers together more firmly and waits, to let his words sink in.]
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Oikawa wasn't dating him because he wanted Yamaguchi. That's the reality of it. It was all…just short of a lie, all an act, a presentation to impress someone else. To prove a point. Yamaguchi's not going to cry over it, he decides, even though the trembling in his hands and his eyes burning tell him otherwise. I'm not going to cry. It's the only coherent thought he can string together, beneath the crushing weight of the should have knowns and that makes more senses and was probably lucky even to get this chance at alls.]
G…Got it. R-Right. [Damn it, it's not the end of the world; at least Oikawa did say he likes him and Yamaguchi's relieved now to know where he stands and he's not going to goddamn cry–] …I—I'm really…
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Oikawa frowns, leans a little closer. He expected yelling, swearing, perhaps a punch. But... Yamaguchi sounds like he's trying to apologise.
Everything he's just said hits him all at once - he's awful, he's the worst and Yamaguchi should be furious, surely, surely - and his voice catches in his throat. He swallows before he forces it out again.] Don't say you're sorry, Yama-chan.
[Can he leave it at that? Can he let himself stop saying these things?] Taking responsibility for things that aren't your fault won't change them. [Of course he can't.
He reaches out to brush his fingers against Yamaguchi's knee, the part of him that's still screaming for him to stop doing this is relieved he didn't lean in for a kiss which goes so show there are a few things he could be doing to make this worse.]
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Ye… [He feels himself nodding mechanically in response to Oikawa's statement, hardly aware of the sounds his own mouth's trying to make.] …Khgn. S-S'alright.
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What's alright, Yamaguchi? [His mouth finally caught up with the message that this isn't a conversation where he should be joking around. This isn't a conversation he should be having at all. It dawns on him that he's going to miss Yamaguchi, once he comes to his senses and gets out of here.]
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[Crap. He wasn't going to cry. He feels like he wasted his chance, just like missing another serve, being forced to get back off the court. He didn't cry then, but there's no game and nothing else to distract his attention this time from the regret he feels. It's only natural that Oikawa was really looking for something else when he came to him, isn't it? Yamaguchi could have seen it sooner if he'd been willing to recognize the other boy was holding back. And then they wouldn't have wasted so much time, and maybe…]
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Please don't cry. He's selfish and awful but Yamaguchi can't cry. He's not allowed to cry.] You're not a coward at all. [Yamaguchi is the bravest person he knows, he's not even crying. He's still sitting there.
He'd never asked anyone out, before Yamaguchi, but he's broken hearts before. Just never quite like this. Usually it's the girls who confessed to him realising for themselves that he's not what they want or what they like, that they'd be better off with someone with a heart. And today is just proving that Oikawa doesn't have a heart, if he could do this to Yamaguchi.] You're really brave, Yamaguchi. [His voice is barely louder than a whisper.]
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Not at all…
[Too late on the 'no-crying' rule, whoops. Unable to hold it in anymore, Yamaguchi sobs, and buries his face in his hands in mortification so Oikawa won't see his tears. It doesn't hide the way his frame shudders with every breath, and he hates himself for the pathetic display of weakness. His voice is choked and awful with sadness.]
A-All this time, I…I sh-should've known! It's so obvious, or it should've been. It's only figuring out what makes sense, and yet…
I didn't let myself think…or want to ask, even… [He sobs again, raw gasps tearing from his throat.] Y-You like me, yes. But I'm not…
…I'm n-not the one, you really…
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He pulls his lip between his teeth and worries it, given how bad Yamaguchi can be about hearing what he's saying and not what he assumes while dry-eyed, Oikawa assumes that right now he won't hear a word he says, so he shuffles closer to position himself so he can try and pull Yamaguchi into a hug, instead.
He feels hollow and like crying himself. What kind of a person does this?]
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I'm s-so sorry. I– [he gasps, choking on air to even get the words out] –I'll s-stop! Promise, I…I'm really sorry! Cah, c-r-rap, I'm being such a baby…
[Yamaguchi can't stand being seen like this. Memories of being in fifth grade and helpless swim before his eyes, stomach lurching at the reminder of when everyone knew just how pathetic he was. That only makes him cry harder.]
…D-Dunno…wh-what I'm even crying for, hahn…s'okay. I still… […like Oikawa. So much that it's like a disease, enough that Yamaguchi wouldn't think twice to stay with him even knowing what he's heard, if the other boy actually gave him the option. Yamaguchi's used to being a last resort, in volleyball and everything else; it's awful, but he'll take it, he'll do whatever it takes to be considered.]
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He moves his hands in small circles over Yamaguchi's back and he can feel his blood pounding in his ears when Yamaguchi's words sink in properly-] You still what? [His voice is dry but his eyes are prickling like Yamaguchi's tears are contagious.] You can say anything you want to, Yamaguchi.
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[…to be able to hold him like this.]
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You can have whatever you want. [He shouldn't promise what he can't give, because he's not sure he can act like a real person with Yamaguchi after this, but if he can try, well, he will. He's good at trying even if he's better at fucking up.]
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Oikawa…these past couple of months have been…great. R-Really amazing. And I know you said– [his voice catches, and he swallows again with force to stop it] –ah, you only asked me out for another reason, but…th-that's all right, I mean, if you like me at least enough to go out with me. For now? I-I really like you a lot. But, I understand how you feel, so…
Even if it's just for a few more months. Or a few weeks, please, Oikawa. I want to keep seeing you—I want to be your boyfriend.
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Are you sure, Yama-chan? [He's quiet and concerned as he speaks, he can't mean that, he can't possibly still want to date him.] I'm - [the worst kind of person] not a good boyfriend.
[He shouldn't let him do this. He picks up rubbing Yamaguchi's back again, though he shouldn't, anything that makes Yamaguchi more likely to think well of him - though how can he? - isn't something he should be doing.]
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I'm sure.
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