[He takes his hand back, as much as he wants to keep it there, to take some small comfort from Yamaguchi, he's done a terrible thing, he can't allow himself that.]
What's alright, Yamaguchi? [His mouth finally caught up with the message that this isn't a conversation where he should be joking around. This isn't a conversation he should be having at all. It dawns on him that he's going to miss Yamaguchi, once he comes to his senses and gets out of here.]
I definitely…should have seen…y-you didn't really want to date me seriously. Becoming someone else…I mean, you sh-shouldn't have to do that, just because I'm…a coward, and I really wanted you to like me…!
[Crap. He wasn't going to cry. He feels like he wasted his chance, just like missing another serve, being forced to get back off the court. He didn't cry then, but there's no game and nothing else to distract his attention this time from the regret he feels. It's only natural that Oikawa was really looking for something else when he came to him, isn't it? Yamaguchi could have seen it sooner if he'd been willing to recognize the other boy was holding back. And then they wouldn't have wasted so much time, and maybe…]
[What, that's...] I do like you. [He said that, didn't he? He's sure he did.
Please don't cry. He's selfish and awful but Yamaguchi can't cry. He's not allowed to cry.] You're not a coward at all. [Yamaguchi is the bravest person he knows, he's not even crying. He's still sitting there.
He'd never asked anyone out, before Yamaguchi, but he's broken hearts before. Just never quite like this. Usually it's the girls who confessed to him realising for themselves that he's not what they want or what they like, that they'd be better off with someone with a heart. And today is just proving that Oikawa doesn't have a heart, if he could do this to Yamaguchi.] You're really brave, Yamaguchi. [His voice is barely louder than a whisper.]
[Too late on the 'no-crying' rule, whoops. Unable to hold it in anymore, Yamaguchi sobs, and buries his face in his hands in mortification so Oikawa won't see his tears. It doesn't hide the way his frame shudders with every breath, and he hates himself for the pathetic display of weakness. His voice is choked and awful with sadness.]
A-All this time, I…I sh-should've known! It's so obvious, or it should've been. It's only figuring out what makes sense, and yet…
I didn't let myself think…or want to ask, even… [He sobs again, raw gasps tearing from his throat.] Y-You like me, yes. But I'm not…
[It's starting to hit him just how badly he's fucked up here, he's a monster, he doesn't deserve to have Yamaguchi anywhere near him. He made him cry. And it hurts to see him cry, he's baffled at that, he doesn't usually hurt when he sees other people upset, usually he just sets to fixing it. Maybe it's because he knows he can't fix this.
He pulls his lip between his teeth and worries it, given how bad Yamaguchi can be about hearing what he's saying and not what he assumes while dry-eyed, Oikawa assumes that right now he won't hear a word he says, so he shuffles closer to position himself so he can try and pull Yamaguchi into a hug, instead.
He feels hollow and like crying himself. What kind of a person does this?]
[Yamaguchi doesn't even question it. With a miserable sob, he launches himself desperately into Oikawa's arms and buries his face in the older boy's shoulder, eyes leaking onto the shirt his boyfriend slept in.]
I'm s-so sorry. I– [he gasps, choking on air to even get the words out] –I'll s-stop! Promise, I…I'm really sorry! Cah, c-r-rap, I'm being such a baby…
[Yamaguchi can't stand being seen like this. Memories of being in fifth grade and helpless swim before his eyes, stomach lurching at the reminder of when everyone knew just how pathetic he was. That only makes him cry harder.]
…D-Dunno…wh-what I'm even crying for, hahn…s'okay. I still… […like Oikawa. So much that it's like a disease, enough that Yamaguchi wouldn't think twice to stay with him even knowing what he's heard, if the other boy actually gave him the option. Yamaguchi's used to being a last resort, in volleyball and everything else; it's awful, but he'll take it, he'll do whatever it takes to be considered.]
Shhhh, shush shush shush- [Oikawa wraps his arms around Yamaguchi, fighting to keep his heart rate down, he tilts his head to brush his lips against whatever the closest part of Yamaguchi is and whispers calming noises because... he's fucked up. He's fucked up so badly. There's never been a time when he's fucked up in a way where he's impacted someone else like this.
He moves his hands in small circles over Yamaguchi's back and he can feel his blood pounding in his ears when Yamaguchi's words sink in properly-] You still what? [His voice is dry but his eyes are prickling like Yamaguchi's tears are contagious.] You can say anything you want to, Yamaguchi.
You're kissing m-me… [The words come out as more a mumble than anything. Yamaguchi's not really listening to Oikawa at this point, too busy drinking in sick comfort in the touches of the other boy's hands on his back, his lips.] Um…Oikawa, even though I— …I-I'm not I-Iwaizumi-san…please. I still want…
[Oh god. Oikawa squeezes him tight, Yamaguchi should be yelling - shouldn't he? - that's what people do when they find out he's been lying to them. He kisses Yamaguchi more firmly where his neck curves into the freckles on his back.]
You can have whatever you want. [He shouldn't promise what he can't give, because he's not sure he can act like a real person with Yamaguchi after this, but if he can try, well, he will. He's good at trying even if he's better at fucking up.]
[Yamaguchi's breath hitches into a high, whimpering noise that's choked off in surprise until he swallows again, recomposes himself. There's no question of what he's going to ask for: if Oikawa's giving him another chance, even if it's out of pity, or just to keep up appearances for Iwaizumi's sake, Yamaguchi doesn't intend to waste it. He's not going to give up, even if he doesn't stand a chance against someone that's good enough for Oikawa to love with all his heart.]
Oikawa…these past couple of months have been…great. R-Really amazing. And I know you said– [his voice catches, and he swallows again with force to stop it] –ah, you only asked me out for another reason, but…th-that's all right, I mean, if you like me at least enough to go out with me. For now? I-I really like you a lot. But, I understand how you feel, so…
Even if it's just for a few more months. Or a few weeks, please, Oikawa. I want to keep seeing you—I want to be your boyfriend.
[Oikawa's stomach twists and it feels like it's tying itself in a knot the size of a volleyball inside his abdomen.]
Are you sure, Yama-chan? [He's quiet and concerned as he speaks, he can't mean that, he can't possibly still want to date him.] I'm - [the worst kind of person] not a good boyfriend.
[He shouldn't let him do this. He picks up rubbing Yamaguchi's back again, though he shouldn't, anything that makes Yamaguchi more likely to think well of him - though how can he? - isn't something he should be doing.]
[Maybe I can make him really believe that, Yamaguchi thinks to himself, letting out a quiet breath he hadn't realized he was holding. The sheer relief he feels just knowing he hasn't been left yet and the comfort from being held like this is awful, just awful, but he can't help it. He doesn't even want to help it.]
'K-Kay. [He hiccups weakly, trying to will himself to calm down, to get himself together without crying again.] I'm really happy, then…Oikawa…
[The sick part is, he'd probably thank Oikawa for the privilege, if Yamaguchi were thinking about it at all. But his mind is blank now; all he can do now is hug his boyfriend anxiously in return and think about what he should do if he wants not to lose him again for as long as he can.]
[He's... happy? Really happy? He shouldn't be happy about this, he shouldn't be happy about wanting to be with anyone like Oikawa.]
Do you need a tissue? Or to wash your face? [Oikawa wants to do things, to take action, but he let himself get carried away before and that's what got them here. He swallows, his own words ringing in his ears.
Kissing Yamaguchi won't make this better, will it? He knows it won't, though he itches to try. He settles for brushing his lips over Yamaguchi's skin again, because he cares about him, and he's hurt him so awfully, the kind of hurt that lasts and lingers and he doesn't think he can fix it ever, but whatever things he can do, he will.]
[Yamaguchi's a bit zoned out in his own thoughts, but Oikawa's voice brings him right back to reality. Yamaguchi's already-red face goes even redder, at the inadvertent reminder of unattractive he probably looks right now, after crying.]
Y-Yeah, sorry. I guess I definitely should go wash my face… [It always gets splotchy and red when he cries, thanks to his freckles, though at least not until after he's finished. Yamaguchi knows washing his face won't get rid of it completely but it might give it some time for the worst of the redness to fade.
But even as he speaks Oikawa's lips are on his skin all of a sudden, and it feels so…relaxing…Yamaguchi breathes in and out deeply to steel himself to pull away, or tries to, though he's hampered by the rolling shudder that takes over his whole body involuntarily. He doesn't want to move, he really doesn't.]
[Yamaguchi's apologising again.] Only if you want to, Yamaguchi.
[If Yamaguchi told him to go jump off a bridge he'd seriously consider it, he obviously can't judge his own actions too well. But at least that seemed to be a positive reaction to his touch, he shifts so he can kiss where Yamaguchi's neck meets his ear, keeping his arms firm around him so Yamaguchi (hopefully) can't take it as a sign that Oikawa wants him off.]
[Oikawa jumping off a bridge is about the last thing Yamaguchi wants…kissing, though, he'll welcome gladly.
Letting out another choked-out sound under his breath, Yamaguchi gladly lets Oikawa maneuver for a better hold and tightens his own grip almost imperceptibly in the fabric of the other boy's pajama shirt. He drinks in the contact greedily, like he never realized how much he appreciated it until now.]
H…Hhn. Nngkawa… [Yamaguchi's words are mumbled against Oikawa's shoulder between breathing, but he's not really saying anything besides the name, anyway. If he weren't so afflicted with lingering anxiety from the conversation they just had Yamaguchi might easily fall asleep like this against Oikawa on the floor. But his mind's swimming at the moment with memories of the past few weeks, wondering what he knew of Oikawa that could help him figure out what he was looking for, at least from Yamaguchi. It might be hopeless to attempt but Yamaguchi still wanted to.]
[He can barely make out Yamaguchi saying his name over the circle of thoughts running around in his own mind.]
I'm sorry. [He whispers it, because he doesn't think his words will have even the littlest bit of difference. He tries kissing his neck again, pausing to suck a bit at Yamaguchi's skin.] I'm very sorry. [He's so full of shit, what chance is there that Yamaguchi will believe him after what he's told him?
He shouldn't have dated Yamaguchi in the first place, he's not cut out for relationships that matter. That thought sticks in his mind - does this relationship matter? God, it does. It matters so much to him, and obviously to Yamaguchi as well.]
[The other boy's apologies ache to hear, but Yamaguchi barely registers the sharp pang in his chest over the counter surge of devastating affection. He's filled with reassurance in his choice and even hope that Oikawa would even consider him after this. That Oikawa would know or suspect how much Yamaguchi wants to hear those words, even though Yamaguchi really does understand, he does; and his boyfriend definitely doesn't have to go out of his way to bother himself about it–]
N-No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry…I'm n-not mad or anything—it's all right. [He's still mumbling. Yamaguchi knows the mature thing to do now would be to pull away from Oikawa's soothing kisses, and the strokes of his tongue and grazes of teeth on skin. Prove he doesn't need this, that he won't be a drain on Oikawa's affections, but…he just needs another minute. Yamaguchi does angle his head a bit, so mouth is now centimeters from Oikawa's neck and breath ghosting his skin instead of pressed directly into his shoulder. It's enough for his voice to be heard more easily, though it's still a bit of a strain since his voice won't go above a murmur without cracking.] You're just being honest…that's why I asked, s-so you can tell me…
[For a moment Oikawa's heart stops as Yamaguchi pulls away even a fraction, but he relaxes back to his previous state of heart-thudding terror once Yamaguchi starts speaking again, even if his words aren't what they should be.]
You're everything, Yamaguchi. [He leans back so he can try and look at Yamaguchi, try and get a read on just how miserable he must be now.] You're wonderful. I don't deserve any of the time you've given me. [He's completely and totally sincere as he says that, one thing about their relationship, and about the falseness to it, is he knows that Yamaguchi wouldn't have given him the time of day if he hadn't pretended.]
[Yamaguchi's eyes drop in disappointment when Oikawa leans back and away from him, not meeting the older boy's gaze. He doesn't seem to be crying anymore, but whether that's worth the utterly empty air of defeat hanging over him in every muscle…]
Y-You don't have to say things like that…I mean, th-that I'm better than anyone.
I l…like you anyway. Oikawa. [Yamaguchi doesn't question the why.. His head's too much a mess of emotions for that. Everything was so easy and wonderful with Oikawa before; maybe Yamaguchi just wants that back. Or maybe he's still feeling hung up on the first really, intense crush he's ever had, and it feels like a betrayal (to himself? to Oikawa?) to just let that go, even when logic dictates it's the only smart thing to do. He'd rather hang on to something broken than be left with nothing.]
[Oikawa lets out a breath of air. At least Yamaguchi's not crying any more, at least he's stopped that.]
I can't think why you do, but that's one of the things that makes you better than other people.
[It's been minutes since he opened his mouth and told Yamaguchi what he should never have let out, but he's already stopped crying and Oikawa's already regretting ever starting this, because he couldn't hurt Yamaguchi if he never spoke to him.]
Is there anything I can do to fix this? [He realises he's begging, but it doesn't come through in his voice, it's just another question, like he's asking for a glass of water.]
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heleanor2015-04-02 06:59 am
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What's alright, Yamaguchi? [His mouth finally caught up with the message that this isn't a conversation where he should be joking around. This isn't a conversation he should be having at all. It dawns on him that he's going to miss Yamaguchi, once he comes to his senses and gets out of here.]
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[Crap. He wasn't going to cry. He feels like he wasted his chance, just like missing another serve, being forced to get back off the court. He didn't cry then, but there's no game and nothing else to distract his attention this time from the regret he feels. It's only natural that Oikawa was really looking for something else when he came to him, isn't it? Yamaguchi could have seen it sooner if he'd been willing to recognize the other boy was holding back. And then they wouldn't have wasted so much time, and maybe…]
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Please don't cry. He's selfish and awful but Yamaguchi can't cry. He's not allowed to cry.] You're not a coward at all. [Yamaguchi is the bravest person he knows, he's not even crying. He's still sitting there.
He'd never asked anyone out, before Yamaguchi, but he's broken hearts before. Just never quite like this. Usually it's the girls who confessed to him realising for themselves that he's not what they want or what they like, that they'd be better off with someone with a heart. And today is just proving that Oikawa doesn't have a heart, if he could do this to Yamaguchi.] You're really brave, Yamaguchi. [His voice is barely louder than a whisper.]
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Not at all…
[Too late on the 'no-crying' rule, whoops. Unable to hold it in anymore, Yamaguchi sobs, and buries his face in his hands in mortification so Oikawa won't see his tears. It doesn't hide the way his frame shudders with every breath, and he hates himself for the pathetic display of weakness. His voice is choked and awful with sadness.]
A-All this time, I…I sh-should've known! It's so obvious, or it should've been. It's only figuring out what makes sense, and yet…
I didn't let myself think…or want to ask, even… [He sobs again, raw gasps tearing from his throat.] Y-You like me, yes. But I'm not…
…I'm n-not the one, you really…
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He pulls his lip between his teeth and worries it, given how bad Yamaguchi can be about hearing what he's saying and not what he assumes while dry-eyed, Oikawa assumes that right now he won't hear a word he says, so he shuffles closer to position himself so he can try and pull Yamaguchi into a hug, instead.
He feels hollow and like crying himself. What kind of a person does this?]
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I'm s-so sorry. I– [he gasps, choking on air to even get the words out] –I'll s-stop! Promise, I…I'm really sorry! Cah, c-r-rap, I'm being such a baby…
[Yamaguchi can't stand being seen like this. Memories of being in fifth grade and helpless swim before his eyes, stomach lurching at the reminder of when everyone knew just how pathetic he was. That only makes him cry harder.]
…D-Dunno…wh-what I'm even crying for, hahn…s'okay. I still… […like Oikawa. So much that it's like a disease, enough that Yamaguchi wouldn't think twice to stay with him even knowing what he's heard, if the other boy actually gave him the option. Yamaguchi's used to being a last resort, in volleyball and everything else; it's awful, but he'll take it, he'll do whatever it takes to be considered.]
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He moves his hands in small circles over Yamaguchi's back and he can feel his blood pounding in his ears when Yamaguchi's words sink in properly-] You still what? [His voice is dry but his eyes are prickling like Yamaguchi's tears are contagious.] You can say anything you want to, Yamaguchi.
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[…to be able to hold him like this.]
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You can have whatever you want. [He shouldn't promise what he can't give, because he's not sure he can act like a real person with Yamaguchi after this, but if he can try, well, he will. He's good at trying even if he's better at fucking up.]
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Oikawa…these past couple of months have been…great. R-Really amazing. And I know you said– [his voice catches, and he swallows again with force to stop it] –ah, you only asked me out for another reason, but…th-that's all right, I mean, if you like me at least enough to go out with me. For now? I-I really like you a lot. But, I understand how you feel, so…
Even if it's just for a few more months. Or a few weeks, please, Oikawa. I want to keep seeing you—I want to be your boyfriend.
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Are you sure, Yama-chan? [He's quiet and concerned as he speaks, he can't mean that, he can't possibly still want to date him.] I'm - [the worst kind of person] not a good boyfriend.
[He shouldn't let him do this. He picks up rubbing Yamaguchi's back again, though he shouldn't, anything that makes Yamaguchi more likely to think well of him - though how can he? - isn't something he should be doing.]
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I'm sure.
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Then of course you can be my boyfriend. [Oikawa squeezes him tight as if that can possibly make up for anything.] I'm lucky to have you, Yamaguchi.
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'K-Kay. [He hiccups weakly, trying to will himself to calm down, to get himself together without crying again.] I'm really happy, then…Oikawa…
[The sick part is, he'd probably thank Oikawa for the privilege, if Yamaguchi were thinking about it at all. But his mind is blank now; all he can do now is hug his boyfriend anxiously in return and think about what he should do if he wants not to lose him again for as long as he can.]
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Do you need a tissue? Or to wash your face? [Oikawa wants to do things, to take action, but he let himself get carried away before and that's what got them here. He swallows, his own words ringing in his ears.
Kissing Yamaguchi won't make this better, will it? He knows it won't, though he itches to try. He settles for brushing his lips over Yamaguchi's skin again, because he cares about him, and he's hurt him so awfully, the kind of hurt that lasts and lingers and he doesn't think he can fix it ever, but whatever things he can do, he will.]
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Y-Yeah, sorry. I guess I definitely should go wash my face… [It always gets splotchy and red when he cries, thanks to his freckles, though at least not until after he's finished. Yamaguchi knows washing his face won't get rid of it completely but it might give it some time for the worst of the redness to fade.
But even as he speaks Oikawa's lips are on his skin all of a sudden, and it feels so…relaxing…Yamaguchi breathes in and out deeply to steel himself to pull away, or tries to, though he's hampered by the rolling shudder that takes over his whole body involuntarily. He doesn't want to move, he really doesn't.]
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[If Yamaguchi told him to go jump off a bridge he'd seriously consider it, he obviously can't judge his own actions too well. But at least that seemed to be a positive reaction to his touch, he shifts so he can kiss where Yamaguchi's neck meets his ear, keeping his arms firm around him so Yamaguchi (hopefully) can't take it as a sign that Oikawa wants him off.]
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Letting out another choked-out sound under his breath, Yamaguchi gladly lets Oikawa maneuver for a better hold and tightens his own grip almost imperceptibly in the fabric of the other boy's pajama shirt. He drinks in the contact greedily, like he never realized how much he appreciated it until now.]
H…Hhn. Nngkawa… [Yamaguchi's words are mumbled against Oikawa's shoulder between breathing, but he's not really saying anything besides the name, anyway. If he weren't so afflicted with lingering anxiety from the conversation they just had Yamaguchi might easily fall asleep like this against Oikawa on the floor. But his mind's swimming at the moment with memories of the past few weeks, wondering what he knew of Oikawa that could help him figure out what he was looking for, at least from Yamaguchi. It might be hopeless to attempt but Yamaguchi still wanted to.]
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I'm sorry. [He whispers it, because he doesn't think his words will have even the littlest bit of difference. He tries kissing his neck again, pausing to suck a bit at Yamaguchi's skin.] I'm very sorry. [He's so full of shit, what chance is there that Yamaguchi will believe him after what he's told him?
He shouldn't have dated Yamaguchi in the first place, he's not cut out for relationships that matter. That thought sticks in his mind - does this relationship matter? God, it does. It matters so much to him, and obviously to Yamaguchi as well.]
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N-No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry…I'm n-not mad or anything—it's all right. [He's still mumbling. Yamaguchi knows the mature thing to do now would be to pull away from Oikawa's soothing kisses, and the strokes of his tongue and grazes of teeth on skin. Prove he doesn't need this, that he won't be a drain on Oikawa's affections, but…he just needs another minute. Yamaguchi does angle his head a bit, so mouth is now centimeters from Oikawa's neck and breath ghosting his skin instead of pressed directly into his shoulder. It's enough for his voice to be heard more easily, though it's still a bit of a strain since his voice won't go above a murmur without cracking.] You're just being honest…that's why I asked, s-so you can tell me…
…just what it is you want…that I could even…
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You're everything, Yamaguchi. [He leans back so he can try and look at Yamaguchi, try and get a read on just how miserable he must be now.] You're wonderful. I don't deserve any of the time you've given me. [He's completely and totally sincere as he says that, one thing about their relationship, and about the falseness to it, is he knows that Yamaguchi wouldn't have given him the time of day if he hadn't pretended.]
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Y-You don't have to say things like that…I mean, th-that I'm better than anyone.
I l…like you anyway. Oikawa. [Yamaguchi doesn't question the why.. His head's too much a mess of emotions for that. Everything was so easy and wonderful with Oikawa before; maybe Yamaguchi just wants that back. Or maybe he's still feeling hung up on the first really, intense crush he's ever had, and it feels like a betrayal (to himself? to Oikawa?) to just let that go, even when logic dictates it's the only smart thing to do. He'd rather hang on to something broken than be left with nothing.]
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I can't think why you do, but that's one of the things that makes you better than other people.
[It's been minutes since he opened his mouth and told Yamaguchi what he should never have let out, but he's already stopped crying and Oikawa's already regretting ever starting this, because he couldn't hurt Yamaguchi if he never spoke to him.]
Is there anything I can do to fix this? [He realises he's begging, but it doesn't come through in his voice, it's just another question, like he's asking for a glass of water.]
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………
…Fix what?
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Us.