[Oh god. Oikawa squeezes him tight, Yamaguchi should be yelling - shouldn't he? - that's what people do when they find out he's been lying to them. He kisses Yamaguchi more firmly where his neck curves into the freckles on his back.]
You can have whatever you want. [He shouldn't promise what he can't give, because he's not sure he can act like a real person with Yamaguchi after this, but if he can try, well, he will. He's good at trying even if he's better at fucking up.]
[Yamaguchi's breath hitches into a high, whimpering noise that's choked off in surprise until he swallows again, recomposes himself. There's no question of what he's going to ask for: if Oikawa's giving him another chance, even if it's out of pity, or just to keep up appearances for Iwaizumi's sake, Yamaguchi doesn't intend to waste it. He's not going to give up, even if he doesn't stand a chance against someone that's good enough for Oikawa to love with all his heart.]
Oikawa…these past couple of months have been…great. R-Really amazing. And I know you said– [his voice catches, and he swallows again with force to stop it] –ah, you only asked me out for another reason, but…th-that's all right, I mean, if you like me at least enough to go out with me. For now? I-I really like you a lot. But, I understand how you feel, so…
Even if it's just for a few more months. Or a few weeks, please, Oikawa. I want to keep seeing you—I want to be your boyfriend.
[Oikawa's stomach twists and it feels like it's tying itself in a knot the size of a volleyball inside his abdomen.]
Are you sure, Yama-chan? [He's quiet and concerned as he speaks, he can't mean that, he can't possibly still want to date him.] I'm - [the worst kind of person] not a good boyfriend.
[He shouldn't let him do this. He picks up rubbing Yamaguchi's back again, though he shouldn't, anything that makes Yamaguchi more likely to think well of him - though how can he? - isn't something he should be doing.]
[Maybe I can make him really believe that, Yamaguchi thinks to himself, letting out a quiet breath he hadn't realized he was holding. The sheer relief he feels just knowing he hasn't been left yet and the comfort from being held like this is awful, just awful, but he can't help it. He doesn't even want to help it.]
'K-Kay. [He hiccups weakly, trying to will himself to calm down, to get himself together without crying again.] I'm really happy, then…Oikawa…
[The sick part is, he'd probably thank Oikawa for the privilege, if Yamaguchi were thinking about it at all. But his mind is blank now; all he can do now is hug his boyfriend anxiously in return and think about what he should do if he wants not to lose him again for as long as he can.]
[He's... happy? Really happy? He shouldn't be happy about this, he shouldn't be happy about wanting to be with anyone like Oikawa.]
Do you need a tissue? Or to wash your face? [Oikawa wants to do things, to take action, but he let himself get carried away before and that's what got them here. He swallows, his own words ringing in his ears.
Kissing Yamaguchi won't make this better, will it? He knows it won't, though he itches to try. He settles for brushing his lips over Yamaguchi's skin again, because he cares about him, and he's hurt him so awfully, the kind of hurt that lasts and lingers and he doesn't think he can fix it ever, but whatever things he can do, he will.]
[Yamaguchi's a bit zoned out in his own thoughts, but Oikawa's voice brings him right back to reality. Yamaguchi's already-red face goes even redder, at the inadvertent reminder of unattractive he probably looks right now, after crying.]
Y-Yeah, sorry. I guess I definitely should go wash my face… [It always gets splotchy and red when he cries, thanks to his freckles, though at least not until after he's finished. Yamaguchi knows washing his face won't get rid of it completely but it might give it some time for the worst of the redness to fade.
But even as he speaks Oikawa's lips are on his skin all of a sudden, and it feels so…relaxing…Yamaguchi breathes in and out deeply to steel himself to pull away, or tries to, though he's hampered by the rolling shudder that takes over his whole body involuntarily. He doesn't want to move, he really doesn't.]
[Yamaguchi's apologising again.] Only if you want to, Yamaguchi.
[If Yamaguchi told him to go jump off a bridge he'd seriously consider it, he obviously can't judge his own actions too well. But at least that seemed to be a positive reaction to his touch, he shifts so he can kiss where Yamaguchi's neck meets his ear, keeping his arms firm around him so Yamaguchi (hopefully) can't take it as a sign that Oikawa wants him off.]
[Oikawa jumping off a bridge is about the last thing Yamaguchi wants…kissing, though, he'll welcome gladly.
Letting out another choked-out sound under his breath, Yamaguchi gladly lets Oikawa maneuver for a better hold and tightens his own grip almost imperceptibly in the fabric of the other boy's pajama shirt. He drinks in the contact greedily, like he never realized how much he appreciated it until now.]
H…Hhn. Nngkawa… [Yamaguchi's words are mumbled against Oikawa's shoulder between breathing, but he's not really saying anything besides the name, anyway. If he weren't so afflicted with lingering anxiety from the conversation they just had Yamaguchi might easily fall asleep like this against Oikawa on the floor. But his mind's swimming at the moment with memories of the past few weeks, wondering what he knew of Oikawa that could help him figure out what he was looking for, at least from Yamaguchi. It might be hopeless to attempt but Yamaguchi still wanted to.]
[He can barely make out Yamaguchi saying his name over the circle of thoughts running around in his own mind.]
I'm sorry. [He whispers it, because he doesn't think his words will have even the littlest bit of difference. He tries kissing his neck again, pausing to suck a bit at Yamaguchi's skin.] I'm very sorry. [He's so full of shit, what chance is there that Yamaguchi will believe him after what he's told him?
He shouldn't have dated Yamaguchi in the first place, he's not cut out for relationships that matter. That thought sticks in his mind - does this relationship matter? God, it does. It matters so much to him, and obviously to Yamaguchi as well.]
[The other boy's apologies ache to hear, but Yamaguchi barely registers the sharp pang in his chest over the counter surge of devastating affection. He's filled with reassurance in his choice and even hope that Oikawa would even consider him after this. That Oikawa would know or suspect how much Yamaguchi wants to hear those words, even though Yamaguchi really does understand, he does; and his boyfriend definitely doesn't have to go out of his way to bother himself about it–]
N-No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry…I'm n-not mad or anything—it's all right. [He's still mumbling. Yamaguchi knows the mature thing to do now would be to pull away from Oikawa's soothing kisses, and the strokes of his tongue and grazes of teeth on skin. Prove he doesn't need this, that he won't be a drain on Oikawa's affections, but…he just needs another minute. Yamaguchi does angle his head a bit, so mouth is now centimeters from Oikawa's neck and breath ghosting his skin instead of pressed directly into his shoulder. It's enough for his voice to be heard more easily, though it's still a bit of a strain since his voice won't go above a murmur without cracking.] You're just being honest…that's why I asked, s-so you can tell me…
[For a moment Oikawa's heart stops as Yamaguchi pulls away even a fraction, but he relaxes back to his previous state of heart-thudding terror once Yamaguchi starts speaking again, even if his words aren't what they should be.]
You're everything, Yamaguchi. [He leans back so he can try and look at Yamaguchi, try and get a read on just how miserable he must be now.] You're wonderful. I don't deserve any of the time you've given me. [He's completely and totally sincere as he says that, one thing about their relationship, and about the falseness to it, is he knows that Yamaguchi wouldn't have given him the time of day if he hadn't pretended.]
[Yamaguchi's eyes drop in disappointment when Oikawa leans back and away from him, not meeting the older boy's gaze. He doesn't seem to be crying anymore, but whether that's worth the utterly empty air of defeat hanging over him in every muscle…]
Y-You don't have to say things like that…I mean, th-that I'm better than anyone.
I l…like you anyway. Oikawa. [Yamaguchi doesn't question the why.. His head's too much a mess of emotions for that. Everything was so easy and wonderful with Oikawa before; maybe Yamaguchi just wants that back. Or maybe he's still feeling hung up on the first really, intense crush he's ever had, and it feels like a betrayal (to himself? to Oikawa?) to just let that go, even when logic dictates it's the only smart thing to do. He'd rather hang on to something broken than be left with nothing.]
[Oikawa lets out a breath of air. At least Yamaguchi's not crying any more, at least he's stopped that.]
I can't think why you do, but that's one of the things that makes you better than other people.
[It's been minutes since he opened his mouth and told Yamaguchi what he should never have let out, but he's already stopped crying and Oikawa's already regretting ever starting this, because he couldn't hurt Yamaguchi if he never spoke to him.]
Is there anything I can do to fix this? [He realises he's begging, but it doesn't come through in his voice, it's just another question, like he's asking for a glass of water.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tsukkinice) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
heleanor2015-04-02 06:59 am
no subject
You can have whatever you want. [He shouldn't promise what he can't give, because he's not sure he can act like a real person with Yamaguchi after this, but if he can try, well, he will. He's good at trying even if he's better at fucking up.]
no subject
Oikawa…these past couple of months have been…great. R-Really amazing. And I know you said– [his voice catches, and he swallows again with force to stop it] –ah, you only asked me out for another reason, but…th-that's all right, I mean, if you like me at least enough to go out with me. For now? I-I really like you a lot. But, I understand how you feel, so…
Even if it's just for a few more months. Or a few weeks, please, Oikawa. I want to keep seeing you—I want to be your boyfriend.
no subject
Are you sure, Yama-chan? [He's quiet and concerned as he speaks, he can't mean that, he can't possibly still want to date him.] I'm - [the worst kind of person] not a good boyfriend.
[He shouldn't let him do this. He picks up rubbing Yamaguchi's back again, though he shouldn't, anything that makes Yamaguchi more likely to think well of him - though how can he? - isn't something he should be doing.]
no subject
I'm sure.
no subject
Then of course you can be my boyfriend. [Oikawa squeezes him tight as if that can possibly make up for anything.] I'm lucky to have you, Yamaguchi.
no subject
'K-Kay. [He hiccups weakly, trying to will himself to calm down, to get himself together without crying again.] I'm really happy, then…Oikawa…
[The sick part is, he'd probably thank Oikawa for the privilege, if Yamaguchi were thinking about it at all. But his mind is blank now; all he can do now is hug his boyfriend anxiously in return and think about what he should do if he wants not to lose him again for as long as he can.]
no subject
Do you need a tissue? Or to wash your face? [Oikawa wants to do things, to take action, but he let himself get carried away before and that's what got them here. He swallows, his own words ringing in his ears.
Kissing Yamaguchi won't make this better, will it? He knows it won't, though he itches to try. He settles for brushing his lips over Yamaguchi's skin again, because he cares about him, and he's hurt him so awfully, the kind of hurt that lasts and lingers and he doesn't think he can fix it ever, but whatever things he can do, he will.]
no subject
Y-Yeah, sorry. I guess I definitely should go wash my face… [It always gets splotchy and red when he cries, thanks to his freckles, though at least not until after he's finished. Yamaguchi knows washing his face won't get rid of it completely but it might give it some time for the worst of the redness to fade.
But even as he speaks Oikawa's lips are on his skin all of a sudden, and it feels so…relaxing…Yamaguchi breathes in and out deeply to steel himself to pull away, or tries to, though he's hampered by the rolling shudder that takes over his whole body involuntarily. He doesn't want to move, he really doesn't.]
no subject
[If Yamaguchi told him to go jump off a bridge he'd seriously consider it, he obviously can't judge his own actions too well. But at least that seemed to be a positive reaction to his touch, he shifts so he can kiss where Yamaguchi's neck meets his ear, keeping his arms firm around him so Yamaguchi (hopefully) can't take it as a sign that Oikawa wants him off.]
no subject
Letting out another choked-out sound under his breath, Yamaguchi gladly lets Oikawa maneuver for a better hold and tightens his own grip almost imperceptibly in the fabric of the other boy's pajama shirt. He drinks in the contact greedily, like he never realized how much he appreciated it until now.]
H…Hhn. Nngkawa… [Yamaguchi's words are mumbled against Oikawa's shoulder between breathing, but he's not really saying anything besides the name, anyway. If he weren't so afflicted with lingering anxiety from the conversation they just had Yamaguchi might easily fall asleep like this against Oikawa on the floor. But his mind's swimming at the moment with memories of the past few weeks, wondering what he knew of Oikawa that could help him figure out what he was looking for, at least from Yamaguchi. It might be hopeless to attempt but Yamaguchi still wanted to.]
no subject
I'm sorry. [He whispers it, because he doesn't think his words will have even the littlest bit of difference. He tries kissing his neck again, pausing to suck a bit at Yamaguchi's skin.] I'm very sorry. [He's so full of shit, what chance is there that Yamaguchi will believe him after what he's told him?
He shouldn't have dated Yamaguchi in the first place, he's not cut out for relationships that matter. That thought sticks in his mind - does this relationship matter? God, it does. It matters so much to him, and obviously to Yamaguchi as well.]
no subject
N-No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry…I'm n-not mad or anything—it's all right. [He's still mumbling. Yamaguchi knows the mature thing to do now would be to pull away from Oikawa's soothing kisses, and the strokes of his tongue and grazes of teeth on skin. Prove he doesn't need this, that he won't be a drain on Oikawa's affections, but…he just needs another minute. Yamaguchi does angle his head a bit, so mouth is now centimeters from Oikawa's neck and breath ghosting his skin instead of pressed directly into his shoulder. It's enough for his voice to be heard more easily, though it's still a bit of a strain since his voice won't go above a murmur without cracking.] You're just being honest…that's why I asked, s-so you can tell me…
…just what it is you want…that I could even…
no subject
You're everything, Yamaguchi. [He leans back so he can try and look at Yamaguchi, try and get a read on just how miserable he must be now.] You're wonderful. I don't deserve any of the time you've given me. [He's completely and totally sincere as he says that, one thing about their relationship, and about the falseness to it, is he knows that Yamaguchi wouldn't have given him the time of day if he hadn't pretended.]
no subject
Y-You don't have to say things like that…I mean, th-that I'm better than anyone.
I l…like you anyway. Oikawa. [Yamaguchi doesn't question the why.. His head's too much a mess of emotions for that. Everything was so easy and wonderful with Oikawa before; maybe Yamaguchi just wants that back. Or maybe he's still feeling hung up on the first really, intense crush he's ever had, and it feels like a betrayal (to himself? to Oikawa?) to just let that go, even when logic dictates it's the only smart thing to do. He'd rather hang on to something broken than be left with nothing.]
no subject
I can't think why you do, but that's one of the things that makes you better than other people.
[It's been minutes since he opened his mouth and told Yamaguchi what he should never have let out, but he's already stopped crying and Oikawa's already regretting ever starting this, because he couldn't hurt Yamaguchi if he never spoke to him.]
Is there anything I can do to fix this? [He realises he's begging, but it doesn't come through in his voice, it's just another question, like he's asking for a glass of water.]
no subject
………
…Fix what?
no subject
Us.